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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25393831">I Goat Your Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudSpeck/pseuds/CloudSpeck'>CloudSpeck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, Eskel Needs a Hug (The Witcher), Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Goats, Help, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jaskier | Dandelion is a Mess, Kaer Morhen, Lambert Being an Asshole (The Witcher), Other, Out of Character, Silly, Winter At Kaer Morhen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:46:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25393831</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudSpeck/pseuds/CloudSpeck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Pairing: It's friendship ya'll. The goat's the star. (Okay, Lambert tried to steal the show, but when doesn't he?)</p><p>Dialogue Prompt: "I feel like an idiot."</p><p>Word count: 2,689</p><p>For: Artemis</p><p>Crack treated Seriously</p><p>Li'l Bleater disappears while Eskel's on a hunt, but when he tries to find her, he thinks the worst.</p><p>Jaskier saves a goat that looks so much like Li'l Bleater he just has to take her to Kaer Morhen so they can be friends.</p><p>Lambert wants to bash his head into a wall. Geralt tries to understand. Coën's bad at reassurance.</p><p>Jaskier shows up in Kaer Morhen expecting witcher and goat snuggles, instead well-</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Coën &amp; Jaskier | Dandelion, Eskel &amp; Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia &amp; Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion &amp; Lambert</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>200</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Goat Your Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eskel comes back from his hunt with a dripping monster head in hand, covered completely in blood. It takes him less than two minutes to notice that there is only a stale smell of goat to go with his horse. Also,  that there are no happy little beats of excited goat trying to greet him. The lead Li'l Bleater is usually kept on when he's off on a hunt is ripped. His kid is gone. Eskel drops the monster head.</p><p>The search he starts for Li'l Bleater is maybe a little frantic, but this is <em> his </em> goat. There aren't even words possible to describe her. The barely there scent trail of her leads through two towns and then to an abrupt stop outside some shitty village where it tapers off near the butchers. That-that is-The witcher tries to process this and ends up yelling, terrifying half the people around him.</p><p>Li'l Bleater is gone and the witcher has no idea what to do about that.</p><p>--</p><p>It's nearing late afternoon as Jaskier strolls through the town, jaunty whistle spouting from his lips, puffs of warmth breath falling into the cold air around him for each new melody. It's early winter now and he finds himself in some backwater village on his way toward Kaer Morhen. It's a bit early for his winter plans, but he figures that a few days spent in the village before he sets off for his true destination probably would not be too bad.</p><p>Jaskier is whistling off one of his newest tunes, something Geralt would hate, about a prince and a siren, when he's stopped abruptly, silenced by the sight of a goat in the road. A tiny goat in the road being roped and pulled off by some complaining villager. Jaskier cannot catch all the words, but he does hear the end of it as he gets close enough.</p><p>"-in my yard, eatin' up my vegetables in the garden and then followin' after like some lame in the head pet, tryin' to crash my cart and spook the horse." The grumbling gets louder as the man pulls her along and Jaskier frowns deeply. That is no way to speak to a goat. Eskel would be furious if he had heard something so rude.</p><p>He follows discreetly as the man pulls the goat, a pygmy female-now that he's really noticing-toward the butchers, and oh no this cannot be happening to such a sweet-looking little thing. Jaskier has to stop the farmer before the goat gets turned into mince. It looks too much like Eskel's goat to simply leave it to such a wretched fate.</p><p>"Sir! Yes, you. My good sir with the goat!" </p><p>The man dragging the goat stops and settles Jaskier with a glare, probably one that works pretty well on his children, but that Jaskier finds ultimately disappointing considering whos' glares he's faced before. Witcher glares are much more intimidating than a farmer's.</p><p>"What are you callin' on me for, bard? I can't be pointin' you the way to the tavern now. I got business." The farmer huffs and goes to keep walking. The 'Li'l Bleater look-a-like' makes a high noise when the man yanks her lead as she tries to run toward Jaskier.</p><p>"I was wondering if I might buy that goat off you, good sir?" Jaskier quickly gets out, walking after the cranky farmer as fast as he can. "Surely you'd make more selling her off to me than just taking it to the butchers'?"</p><p>"I'd be makin' meat off her when I take her to the butchers'." The farmer quips back and Jaskier clenches his teeth. Damn stubborn villagers.</p><p>"Off a tiny thing like that? She's hardly skin and bones. Sell her to me and buy what meat you think you would have gotten." Of all the things to be arguing over today, he did not think a goat would be it.</p><p>"What woulda bard needa goat for?" He asks suspiciously.</p><p>Jaskier sighs and his hands go to his hips. Time to twist a lie. "I'm writing a song about scavenging animals and she's just the muse I'm looking for. It might be a warning to farmers much simpler than such an intelligent man a-"</p><p>"I'll be takin' my chances with the butcher." The farmer cuts him off, pulling the goat off and away down the street and to her doom. The goat sounds like she's screaming as she tries to get back to Jaskier.</p><p>Jaskier's thoughts go a mile a minute at the noise before ultimately he's nodding his head. A slightly manic, determined look appears in his eye as he sneaks after them.</p><p>It's evening when Jaskier finally sees his chance to enact his half-formed scheme. The butcher leaves, presumably off to the tavern for a meal, and no one else is around to see him walk into the pen off to the side of his building. He was smart enough to grab the blanket from his inn room when he had grabbed the rest of his stuff, so when the goat starts bleating, he wraps her up quickly, face included. Immediately after, the bard is hightailing it out of the pen and then out of the town.</p><p>--</p><p>Three days later finds Jaskier and the goat (off the lead, because she just would not leave the bard's side) making camp off the start of the trail on the mountain. Jaskier gets the fire going and sits himself down next to the Li'l Bleater look-alike.</p><p>"You know, you need a name. I can't very well keep calling you Goat. I suppose I could, though I'd sound an awful lot like Geralt with Roach. I'm certainly not calling you Li'l Bleater or Li'l Bleater the Second. It will just get too confusing when you finally meet your new friend."</p><p>The little goat makes a 'maaah' sort of sound and Jaskier nods.</p><p>"Quite right, I'm glad you agree. So then, how about Bo? Or maybe Mary? I've always been fond of those nursery rhymes." </p><p>The goat butts at him and the bard snorts.</p><p>"Alright then. Baabara? Very classy for a classy lady?" Jaskier questions, rubbing one of the goat's ears and feeding it a piece of his dinner. The goat, being a goat, doesn't answer while there is food in her mouth.</p><p>"Baabara it is then. I'm sure you two will be the best of friends. Li'l Bleater is a sweetheart, just like you. A bit of a hard head sometimes and pretty courageous too, for a goat. Eskel loves her to bits."</p><p>--</p><p>"Eskel. It's been a week. Seriously. You can only cry for an animal so long." Lambert groans loudly.</p><p>"She was so young. She didn't deserve such a cruel death. I knew traveling with a witcher was a terrible life for her. The Path just isn't safe for kids." Eskel moans, face in his hands as they have been practically since he'd come up the mountain in a slump.</p><p>"She didn't die in a monster hunt, Eskel." Geralt sighs, fingers rubbing at his eyes.</p><p>"No, but she died on my watch. I was supposed to take care of her. She trusted me and now her little goat life is just over. She had the best years of her life still ahead of her." Eskel looks like he might be close to tears.</p><p>Lambert goes silent, he's sure if he says something now it probably won't be very polite.</p><p>"At least it was probably quick?" Coën tries to reassure the upset witcher. He immediately realizes his mistake when Eskel throws the mug that he had been drinking from.</p><p>Fucking hell, a long winter is what they're were in for if this is how he was going to be the whole time.</p><p>--</p><p>"You'll absolutely love Kaer Morhen, Baabara. Plenty of places for a little goat like you to get into mischief." Jaskier says in-between strumming a few new bits on his lute.</p><p>"And Eskel, he's a darling. He'll probably take to you right away. He loves goats. He treats Li'l Bleater like an actual kid. Get it, kid? ...My jokes are lost on you sweetheart."</p><p>Baabara headbutts him and bleats loudly which makes Jaskier laugh loudly.</p><p>"Not an insult my dear, I promise. You're terribly intelligent. <em> Gods </em> , you get just as surly as <em> his </em> goat- or Lambert. Don't tell him I said that. He'd likely try to string me from one of the tower windows by my ankles, the Ass. They'll be happy to see us though, I'm sure."</p><p>They turn one of the path corners and Jaskier adjusts his coat and the blanket that the goat had sort-of let him put on her with minimal wiggling. What? He didn't want Baabara to freeze.</p><p>"Do you want to hear my new song before we get there? It's dedicated to you and your penchant for running off with my stuff. A work-in-progress of course."</p><p>There's a yelling noise from behind him and he takes it as an affirmative. Jaskier warms himself up, strumming a few nonsense chords before starting in on the beginning of his silly song.</p><p>
  <em>
Baa baa baa baa Baabara ran<br/>
Baa baa baa baa Baabara ran<br/>
Baa baa baa baa Baabara ran (oh god daaamn)<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
<em>Baa baa baa baa Baabara ran<br/>
Baa baa baa baa Baabara ran<br/>
You've got me runnin' and a-jumpin'<br/>
Slidin' and a-skiddin'<br/>
Baabara ran-<br/>
</em>
</p><p>"Like I said, a work in progress, but it'll be quite the masterpiece when it's finished. I'm sure the tavern folk will love it." Jaskier chuckles.</p><p>He slides his lute back in it's case when they round the next bend. The keep is up ahead, but still a-ways off and he needs to focus more on the path and his goat now. The goat that seems far too at ease with this walk. Maybe just a goat thing.</p><p>--</p><p>Coën is the first one to see Jaskier on the path in his bright clothing and ridiculously large, fluffy coat. The bard is moving at a slower pace, probably because he's cold and he's talking to himself, like he always seems to be.</p><p>"Hey, Geralt! Guess who's paying us a winter visit?"</p><p>Geralt turns from the wall he's fixing to look over at Coën. The Griffin has a smirk on his face.</p><p>"The greatest singer the continent has ever known." That is how Jaskier had introduced himself once upon a time.</p><p>"Hmm." It's not any indication of Geralt's feelings, but there is a barely there smile on his face as he joins Coën at the gate. Jaskier hadn't said anything about coming this way.</p><p>Lambert doesn't need Coën to tell him Jaskier is there. That much is obvious when the younger witcher shouts it from a high wall, followed by an expletive that sounds vaguely like, 'Thank fuck'. He's jumping down and on the other side of Geralt right as Jaskier comes walking up, whistling some no doubt obnoxious new song. It's good to see him safe. Better to know someone else gets to handle Eskel now.</p><p>"Fucking hell, I've never been so glad to see your peacocking ass. Eskel is fucking miserable and won't let us do shit to help, so you get to try." Lambert speaks up before anyone gets a chance to talk or receive hugs from the bard.</p><p>"Oh that's good then. I may have just the thing. I got my darling witcher a supr-" Jaskier doesn't even get to finish the sentence, because the goat has run to Geralt, looking as though ready to headbutt him. They all stand there shocked for a few minutes taking it in as Jaskier shouts in shock.</p><p>"Baabara! No!"</p><p>"What the fuck are you doing with the goat, bard?!" Lambert is the first to react, Geralt still trying to rein in the tiny animal. Coën looks torn between laughter and complete confusion, eyes darting from Jaskier to 'Baabara'. What the fuck is a Baabara?</p><p>"Baabara? Normally she's a darling. Or she has been while we've traveled. Geralt if you'd just scratch behind he-"</p><p>"No, damn it. <em>The</em> <em>Goat</em>. The fucking goat. What are you doing with the fucking goat?"</p><p>"Calm down, Lambert. You'll pop a blood vessel like this. There's already one goat here. Why not another for her to play with?"</p><p>Geralt's eyes go wide and Cöen absolutely chokes down a laugh at that.</p><p>"Jask, no she's no-" Geralt starts to say, the goat finally settled in his arms. Did Jaskier truly, honestly think he was traveling with a new goat? His bard really was a little dense sometimes.</p><p>"Jaskier, this is-" Coën tries at the same time.</p><p>"No! There is <em> not </em> a goat here, because you <em> have </em> the fucking goat, you bird brain!" Lambert's arms raise as he shouts over them in frustration.</p><p>"Um, No?" Jaskier looks over at the Li'l Bleater look-alike. Sure they were practically twins but- "This isn't Li'l Bleater, I stole her from a butcher shop. Why would Eskel's sweet child surprise be in a butcher shop?" He huffs like this is all illogical, hand flapping out toward the goat, who comes to him like she's been called.</p><p>"You stole her from a butcher shop?" Geralt's eyebrows scrunch and his lips turn down in a frown.</p><p>Lambert has been stuck in this keep with a witcher contemplating a pyre for his dead pet and acting like he's lost his wife or his brother, when the damned bard had the animal the whole time. No, nope, this was absolutely not okay. He has not suffered through Eskel's depressive episode for Jaskier to waltz in all sunshine-like with the dead-goat-actually-alive in tow.</p><p>"ESKEL! Get your ass out here! Now! Jaskier has a surprise!" Lambert practically growls as he yells, eyes glaring holes into the bard.</p><p>They all look to the doors as Eskel walks out, gloom seeming to surround him entirely. It's a terrible look on him and Jaskier is very worried about it. Baabara starts kicking up a fuss when she sees him, enough that the bard has to let her go or risk some serious lower injury.</p><p>It goes a little slow motion after that. She starts yelling as she runs. Eskel's head snapping up. The goat jumps at him full force and he shouts 'Bleater' and-<em> Oh </em>. Well, fuck.</p><p>“I feel like an idiot." Jaskier mumbles, cheeks going pink, frown on his face and hand moving behind his head to scratch awkwardly. All that time spent with her and he really hadn't realized. How dumb was he?</p><p>Eskel is sitting on the ground now, Li'l Bleater cuddled to him and this time he is crying. He's kissing at her ears and her muzzle as she tries to wiggle and get closer. Eskel must have been so upset when he thought she was dead. This is such a sweet reunion, but oh how Jaskier feels terrible for not realizing <em> and </em>for not bringing her back sooner.</p><p>"Thank you for saving her and being harebrained enough to steal from a butcher, even if you didn't realize it was her." Geralt speaks up, coming to stand next to him.</p><p>"I thought I was going to have to knock him out if he threw another table." Coën adds from the other side.</p><p>"You really didn't know it was her? Fucking hell, Buttercup." Lambert is much calmer now that Eskel is relaxed, but he still isn't ready to drop it completely.</p><p>"No...I wanted to bring her a friend. Aren't goats herd animals?" Jaskier asks quietly.</p><p>"They are. We know that and you know that. I don't think she knows that." Coën snorts.</p><p>"Okay," Jaskier nods, walking toward the door. "I wasn't intending to be out here so long,  making a fool of myself, and I can't really feel my fingers anymore so I'm going to head in." This was quite enough embarrassment for today.</p><p>Eskel pulls him into a tight hug before he makes it anywhere near the door of the keep, tight enough to crack his back. Jaskier sighs and hugs him back. </p><p>"Thank you. Thank you, Buttercup, thank you." Jaskier hugs him tighter and nods his head. Okay, embarrassment is fine as long as he gets hugs for it.<br/>
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